


Mary Sue, Pleasure to Meet You

by sarcastic_ace_artist



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, M/M, Naruto References, Other, References to My Immortal, intentionally bad writing, read it and weep kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23636518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastic_ace_artist/pseuds/sarcastic_ace_artist
Summary: If you asked Jeremy, he'd say this entire shitshow started because that motherfuckingBarbie-wannabedecided to enroll in their school.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Michael Mell & Original Female Character(s), Michael Mell & Squip Squad Members, Squip Squad Members & Squip Squad Members (Be More Chill)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 35





	Mary Sue, Pleasure to Meet You

**Author's Note:**

> This is intended to be a satirical writing piece based off the Mary Sue genre. Please do not take it seriously.

If you asked Jeremy, he'd say this entire shitshow started because that motherfucking _Barbie-wannabe_ decided to enroll in their school.

She'd come out of nowhere, as if she was created by some random author who wanted to live vicariously through an impossible product of her own imagination.

Not that that author was me or anything, I'm actually perfectly happy with everything in my life. Except my AP Chem grade. _Ahem._

The worst part about it all? They couldn't even do anything about it because _everybody_ loved her. Except for them, the Squip Squad—as dubbed by Rich.

She had authority over the whole school—after taking it from Chloe, the _true_ loveable Head Bitch in Charge—and had decided to parade around with boys catering to her every whim as if she'd always had them at her fingertips in the first place, with every other girl within a 50 mile radius being extremely jealous of her because she wasn't like other girls.

But it was _fine_. The Squip Squad was _fine_. They were all _totally fine._

Sure Christine was bitter because the lead role in the school play had been given to someone else.

And sure Chloe was upset that someone had taken her place at the top of the social ladder, therefore making Brooke angry too that her best friend had been slighted.

And it couldn't be helped that Jake had been displaced at being the best at sports because she had been a "sports prodigy" on her first try too.

And as for Jenna, her skills at digging through the internet for information had been swept aside because she couldn’t live up to the new girl’s ability to dig deep into social media and hack websites to become the number one trending thing online.

See? They were just _fine_.

It was a rough few months as the things they loved became things they dreaded, especially during Drama Club, of which they were all a part of.

But they powered through, hoping that she’d find a way to somehow revolutionize the world and leave the fucking school to attend university _or something._

And then Mary Lilliane Sakura Blossom Raven Theopana Sue, the prettiest and smartest girl in the world, decided that she wanted a boyfriend. More specifically, she wanted _Michael Mell_ to be her boyfriend.

That alone was enough for the group of eight to figuratively raise hell.

She'd cornered them at the lockers, and stood proudly in front of their group, with a slender, manicured, nail-polished finger pointed straight at Michael.

Jeremy cringed at the volume of fanboy squeals that reached his ears. He fumbled for one of his friends' hands to grasp on to. Chloe caught his eye and held out her hand for him to squeeze tightly.

"Michael!" Mary said in her melodic, bell-like voice, which was sweet enough to make the birds sing with her. "Be my boyfriend!" And then she smiled with her pearly white teeth shining and flashed him a peace sign.

His grip on Chloe's hand tightened and she started smacking him and whispering furiously to _let go Jeremy that fucking hurts ow ow ow!_

Jeremy was seething. He'd been planning on asking Michael out to lunch today and then Little Miss Perfect had to show up and throw a wrench into his plans.

Michael took a sip from his slushie. "Sorry, but no."

Mary fell back, anime style, into the arms of her devoted cult members— _ahem_ , male fans who glared at Michael with the force of a thousand suns. It was a good thing that looks didn’t kill people because Michael would’ve been dead a hundred times over by now.

"Mary wants to go out with you! You should be honored!"

"Not interested," Michael deadpanned, and then he pulled up his hood in an attempt to avoid the shame of being the center of attention.

Mary sobbed on cue and collapsed to the ground in a pathetic attempt to look defeated. She pulled it off, of course, since she was perfect at everything.

Her fanboys rallied around her, whispering soft reassurances to her cries that she wasn’t ugly _and her_ responding to them _no, don’t comfort me I need to build myself up through this! I can only improve myself if I take Michael’s advice and pull through!_

Michael rolled his eyes and stalked off grumbling about _straight people_ , the rest of his friends on his tail and Jeremy at his side.

Chloe paused to shoot her a glare then turned and caught up to her friends.

Mary was still on the ground crying shimmering, diamond-like tears on the ground that turned into actual diamonds.

And her fanboys were lighting torches they would use in their hunt for Michael’s head.

They decided to hide backstage in the theatre room. Christine procured the necessary keys and they’d locked the door behind them, hoping that Mary didn’t know how to pick locks.

Chloe screamed in anger. “SHE—SHE JUST— _ARRRGH_!”

Christine slumped into Michael’s arms. “She auditioned for the lead role for this year’s play— _Taming of the Shrew_ this year—and the cast petitioned that she get the lead role because she was _so good_ at what she did! Mr. Reyes didn't even have a say!"

Michael hugged her tighter. "I get it _completely_ Chris."

Jeremy, on Michael's other side, gave her a half-hearted glare. "Hey Christine stop hogging Michael."

Christine stuck her tongue out.

Jenna sighed from her place on a loveseat, where she was sitting with Brooke and Chloe. "Mary's a monster. That much we know. Somehow she's taken over social media and companies are clamoring for her to be their next lead model."

Someone pounded on the door.

They froze.

_"MICHAEL~!"_

"Ah fuck."

They scrambled for the opposite exit and rushed into the school.

_“Eight Trigrams Vacuum Wall Palm!”_ The door was blown inwards, Mary standing just past it, palm outstretched and breathing harshly from the effort taken to blow apart the door. _“Michael~!”_

Somehow she mastered Naruto jutsu.

…Don't look at me, my friend is the weeb here. They gave me like four different animes and we rolled the dice on it. It landed on Naruto and my other friend laughed at my expense. (Kapdixo if you're reading this, you're the worst.)

She swept past the damage and surveyed the area with her glowing eyes. "Hm, he's not here."

She peered through her lashes at the opposite wall, vision shifting to her x-ray view. "Ah, he's in the school again." She bounded after him. "Michael my love!"

There was a distant scream of fear.

* * *

"Fuck my whole goddamn life."

Mary had, unfortunately, caught up with them in a classroom and was now hanging off of Michael's arm and nuzzling him every minute of every day. Currently, she was attempting to feed him her homemade cookies, that she baked herself, because why the fuck not? Apparently the bitch could bake too.

Michael was taking her baked goods and tossing them to the rabid fanboys like one would do to a stray dog on the streets.

After another attempt at Mary trying to force feed him a croissant, he pushed himself to his feet and backed off.

“I’m allergic to baked goods. Especially yours.” He raised his hands in a _don’t come any closer_ gesture. Of course, she ignored because she was a fucking Mary Sue and everybody loved everything she did even when what she did could be considered harassment. Seriously why doesn’t anybody in those fics tell on them?

Mary frowned slightly, the corners of her mouth being pulled down almost imperceptibly. Frowning would cause wrinkles, and not the good kind. She couldn’t afford to get wrinkles when she was only 16. Not that it mattered since she was near-immortal, the creator of Squips having granted her longevity.

"What the fuck," Jeremy muttered. "Who does this girl think she is?"

"I'm Mary Ahyahnno Mai Cahlahmahri Moondancer Gallancelle Sue.”

She swooned and fell dramatically forward.

Michael panicked and caught her, and she squealed and wriggled around in his arms.

“Oh Michael!” she whimpered. “I _knew_ you loved me!”

Blanching, Michael dropped her on her ass and sped off.

* * *

“Michael~!” Mary called out melodiously, cornering them at the front steps of the school.

Today she was wearing an expensive Luxury Crystal Long Sleeve Sheer Lace Appliqued Sweep Train Size 2 Wedding Gown. It emphasized her assets and showed her curves and still covered up her boobs, since y'know, she wanted to be safe from perverted boys. She was wearing a lacy, see-through wedding veil that cost more than a Vera Wang line that was decorated with priceless Swarovski crystals from Austria. She also wore designer heels that gave her a few more inches of height. They were beautiful and expensive to match the wedding dress and veil. Around her neck and her fingers and hanging from her ears were jewelry from a fairly recent Cartier set.

All in all, it probably cost more than even Scrooge McDuck, T'challa, and Tony Stark combined could afford.

"What are you wearing?" Michael asked, dreading the answer.

Mary giggled. To the general public, it sounded like soft bells. To Michael and his friends, it sounded like the screams of Hell and nails on a chalkboard rolled into one, with a dash of Justin Bieber singing. 

"It's from my casual collection."

He blanched and turned to face his friends, waving his hands around wildly asking for help escaping from this witch.

"Michael," Mary pouted, "Aren't you going to ask how I am?" She pressed up against him.

"Please get off of me."

Jake all but ripped her off of Michael, who sagged in relief.

An interesting tidbit about Michael, he hated being touched unless he was the one initiating the touching or he was around someone he was comfortable with. His friends applied to both.

Mary Mihkaehla Kkatherinne Anneliese Sushi Sue, on the other hand, was not a friend and he was tired of her talking to them.

"Go out with me Michael Mell! Everybody loves me! Men have left their wives for me!”

Michael stared at her uncomprehendingly.

She pouted. “It’s true!”

He blinked once. Twice. Turned his heel and ran for his life. His friends followed after him again, determined not to leave him alone and susceptible to her clutches. Mary fell to the ground gracefully, tears streaming from her eyes.

“Michael my love! How could you have forsaken me?”

Michael ran away faster.

* * *

Panting, they reached the auditorium and Jeremy’s squip fizzled into view. 

_“Jeremy what the fuck is going on I was only gone for a week,"_ he said exasperatedly. _“And what’s this about a Mary Sue joining your school?”_

Michael waved his hand and grimaced. “There’s this girl named Mary Sue that joined our school and she’s weirdly perfect at everything except making me straight.”

Eric blinked. _“Oh. She’s back.”_

Everybody turned to look at him.

He sighed. _“Okay, it’s actually not my fault this time.”_ Eric sat down on the ground. _“Take a seat. This is going to be long.”_

* * *

The creator jumped as another there was another spark. Around them the Squips fizzled.

“Patience,” they hissed. “I just need to complete this machine, and then we’ll be able to expand our influence past _this_ universe!”

The screen lit up.

“Oh it works.” The creator swiped through the dimensions currently available. “Hm, let’s see. Hamilton, Heathers, Once on This Island, BNHA—hold on what the _fuck_. Uh, Sexy anime cat girl universe, Jumanji…” He paused on one dimension. “What’s… _TV Tropes, Mary Sue_?”

The screen started flashing and the creator screamed and jumped back.

A portal opened just where they had been standing.

A figure began materializing. She had long legs and an hourglass body, with breasts just the right size and long, rainbow colored hair. A long white, goddess dress formed right after and it seemed to glow in the dark. It was simple and had diamonds covering every inch of it. It rustled quietly.

She opened her multi-colored eyes and gave him a graceful smile. “Hello creator. It is I, Mary Bonito Ahshhley Ehlizahbithe Robinway Teriyahkki Taeko Bismanthtine Hanako Osami Amaita Sue. I’ve come to save you from the Squips."

The creator blanched. “Oh fuck. What have I just done.”

* * *

“What?” Jeremy yelled. “That wasn’t long at all!”

Eric shrugged. _“It was long for me. Besides, do you know how horrible it was having to stay with her in that factory?”_

"Michael~!"

Everybody scrambled for the exit.

* * *

A week later she cornered him in the middle of the main hallway. Michael motioned for his friends to stay back, lest they get caught in her schemes.

Things were getting heated and they had progressed from talking to talking loudly/almost yelling at each other.

“Why won’t you go out with me?” she cried sadly.

"Lady," Michael started, staring at her with exasperation in his eyes, "I'm _gay_." He wiggled his wrists in an admittedly sad attempt to do jazz hands, which he did not have the energy for.

Her beautiful kaleidoscope eyes watered. "M-M-Michael?" A tear escaped. Then another. Then another. Then streams rushed from her eyes. Somehow her makeup remained perfect because that was the power of _Mary Phosphophyllite Yuki Diamond Hime Emerald Amaterasu Sapphire Neko Garnet Desu Desu Chan Kawaii Sue_. 

The author would like to interrupt here. This is the part where my friends and I absolutely _lost it_. 

"How could you? I did everything for you! You don't understand! I'm an orphan!"

The Squip Squad and Eric sighed and resigned themselves to ignoring her heartfelt speech for the next few hours.

Mary Einsenhart Rozengarten Lizette Chelsea Rosario Ellen Sue was shedding tears of determination™ as a spotlight shined down on her, illuminating her luxurious rainbow colored, natural, waist-length hair.

"My father left me and my mother when I was one, and we started suffering from an unknown deadly illness when I was three. My mother passed from it but I had a rare genetic mutation that allowed me to live!"

* * *

_Fifteen minutes later…_

"My wealthy father left the entirety of his New Jersey estate to me, my distant relative chose me to ascend to the throne when they retire, and I decided to move here to make new friends and defeat your Squip!"

She pointed at Eric, who stared at Jeremy, who stared at Michael, who stared at Mary, whose lip quivered before she nearly burst into tears again.

"And then, _then_ , I saw Michael!" Mary swooned and Michael gagged in reply. "The hunkiest, dreamiest man in this school. Just the sight of him made my body and gave me a feeling like a boner except not since I'm a girl you pervs!"

Michael actually had to fight back the feeling of throwing up at her story. _What the FUCK?_

"What a tragedy," she moaned in a non-sexual way. "That the only man for me is gay and is dating Jeremy! I feel so envious of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way as she has the man she loves with her!"

Jeremy spluttered in surprise and looked at Michael, who was suffering from the embarrassment Mary forced on him.

"This is straightphobia!" She extended her slender arms towards the sky as if asking the deities to strike her down.

And they did. There was a lightning bolt. A literal lighting bolt. It hit her and she convulsed for a second, flopped onto her face, died, and then fucking disappeared. As in, she was there one second and gone the next.

The students headed back inside chattering to themselves and forgetting why they were outside, as if she never existed in the first place.

Chloe nudged the pile of ash with her shoe. "Holy fuck she's dead."

Yes. She's dead. Hallelujah. Praise the lord. Actually, praise me. I got sick of her too. So now Mary Elizabeth Tsukuyomi Ashley Carlene Ray Jepson Willow Smithie Sue is dead. Permanently. As in she won't miraculously resurrect herself.

Jeremy spat on her ashes and kicked them away.

“Um,” Michael said.

Jeremy turned to him. “So Micah.”

“…yeah?”

“Wanna go out for lunch? Just the two of us?”

“Uh, sure?”

“Great.” Jeremy then kissed his cheek and headed back inside, ignoring his sputtering and noises of confusion. “It’s a date!”

**Author's Note:**

> My friends & I made a list of names that consisted of weeb-ified words, white girl names with added letters, PTA mom names, types of gems, and crack names to use for Mary.


End file.
